Asking for help isn’t always easy. But it makes us all better at what we do
“Some people could be dealing with harder things and they can get through, but for some people the things that I mentioned really bring them down. It certainly brings me down.”
Trevor called into a radio phone in earlier this month. The “things” he mentioned included living in a damp home, with infestations of mice, flies and moths. It’s hardly surprising that it’s bringing him down – and yet he seemed almost apologetic for being affected by his situation.
Discomfort with self-advocating is nothing new. It can be true for people with money as much as for those on a low income. But the sense that “other people have less, so I can’t possibly ask for more” is pervasive and damaging.
Getting what you want
Mark Davies took part in a 7 Signs employability course run by Clean Slate (home to Quids In! Pro) back in January.
He’d been through cancer and then work struggles. But despite this, he didn’t feel he had any justification to ask for help or even to voice his worries out loud.
“I’m a white, middle-class man – I’m in such a privileged position,” he says. “It’s expected I’ve got enough confidence to take the lead in certain situations. So actually asking for help and being recognised and not judged for that… it’s difficult.”
Interestingly, Mark sees helping others as a key part of his future employment. He has other skills, such as marketing and communications, but the impulse to give something back is strong.
“My next job will be something involving communicating with people in need,” he adds. “I’m a copywriter and marketing executive in my professional life, and now I’m looking at how I can use those skills to help third-sector organisations. It’s going to be something that makes me more fulfilled.”
Although the 7 Signs course was just two days long, Mark came away from it with a renewed understanding of the importance of advocating for himself. Having gone to the trouble of identifying his skills, aspirations and next steps, it makes sense to get comfortable with the idea of asking for the things he needs.
But it’s not just about Mark – or anyone else – getting what they’re entitled to. Self-advocacy opens the door to a host of other skills and benefits. Confidence and independence improve, and the sense that change is possible increases.
The case for carers
Self-advocacy is an important part of the mission of charity Carers UK. Their website contains a range of guides, tools and resources for carers to help people understand their rights and entitlements. There’s also a page on the site dedicated to it.
“Self-advocacy is about speaking up for yourself,” says Emily Holzhausen, director of policy and public affairs at the charity. “It’s about getting your voice heard and effectively communicating your own interests.”
As with adapting to life on a low income, becoming a carer isn’t always in the life plan. People often have to overhaul their lives at short notice and navigate a bureaucratic landscape that’s completely new to them.
With around 84,000 people becoming unpaid carers every week in the UK, that’s a lot of families who could be left flailing. According to Carers UK figures from their 2023 survey, 55 per cent of carers felt they needed better understanding and recognition from the public. More than four in 10 said they needed help from professionals.
“Caring for someone can have many positives,” Emily adds. “But it can also be challenging – caring can impact your mental and physical health, finances and employment opportunities. Many carers feel stressed, anxious, isolated and exhausted, and are worried about being unable to provide care in the future.
“Advocating for yourself and the person you care for can be difficult in the midst of this. However, many people don’t know what help to ask for, how to ask or indeed who to ask.”
She makes a crucial point. In a sea of emotions, finding the focus to work out what you even need to advocate for can be tricky. Standing up to service providers who aren’t delivering what they should is even more difficult.
And often, when we’re talking about people who are marginalised or on low incomes, there are issues like language barriers and digital literacy to counter as well.
Sharing experiences
This is where self-advocacy is especially important. Without putting the responsibility on to marginalised communities, it’s vital to hear their voices in order that the support on offer isn’t a best guess.
Like Clean Slate, Carers UK aims to share lived experiences so that support feels more like a collaborative process than something that’s delivered from above.
Clean Slate workers often come from the communities they now serve, and frequently have faced the same challenges navigating benefits, money management and employment.
Similarly, Carers UK is led by carers who share their experiences with those who are nearer the start of their caring journey.
As Mark, Clean Slate’s 7 Signs attendee, knew, the fear of asking for help can be a tough one to shift.
“I think that’s probably been my problem my whole life if I’m honest,” he says. Finding out there were people who actually wanted to hear him voice his needs was a revelation.
Ultimately, becoming adept at self-advocacy lays the foundation stones for agency and autonomy. Although it can be daunting, asking for support isn’t the same as asking for a fix. And the confidence and self-belief that flows from that first act can form a pattern for the future.
Image: Chay Tee / Shutterstock
