When you know, you know. People who have been in debt, like serious debt, know. Or I should say, we know.
We know that sense of embarrassment. That sense of persistent stress. We know we’ve let people down. They trusted us. They can’t use that money to keep their business running, maybe paying staff.
We know that no matter how many times they ask for their money, it just isn’t there. That doesn’t change, no matter if the red letters are weekly or daily. There’s not even any point opening the envelopes. They pile up – another feature of that persistent stress but in physical form.
And still there is no money to pay things off.
THE FLEXIBLE FIENDS
For me, it was business debts. They built up over time after a great salesperson left and the next person just couldn’t live up to their predecessor. I invested in their growth. Gave them time. In the grand scheme of things, it was not so huge. An overdraft of less than twenty grand. That I was personally liable for.
To close the company, I leaned into credit cards. I was still earning from another job. There were two of us covering the mortgage and bills, so that could have been worse too.
And over three years the interest on the cards meant I just couldn’t pay the original debt down.
PAYING IT FORWARD
One of the first questions I wanted to include in the Money Health-Check quiz for Quids in! readers was about opening the post. They say it takes a thief to catch a thief, and we know a victim of abuse will quickly recognise the way another flinches instinctively… These days we call it ‘lived experience’. I’ve been in debt and what I learnt, I can channel into my work.
Anyone who hasn’t experienced the hopelessness that comes with debt won’t know how it feels to not be able to afford the things that will save us money. Or to buy in bulk. Or to pay up front for a year’s insurance, (if we can afford it at all). Or to get to an interview in decent gear.
They won’t know the impossible decision about who to pay first when that monthly income arrives or there’s a little windfall. The sense that it’s all futile anyway.
What I have heard at conferences and training events from some debt advisors or volunteers is: ‘Why did they buy that pair of shoes after we’d spent all that time budgeting to clear down their debt?’ Or: ‘I looked through their statement and I could see they’d spent £10 at Wetherspoons. Well, they could start saving there.’
What many advisors who don’t know what it’s like don’t understand is how scarcity plays on human behaviour. We hope for the best – maybe things will change for the better, all on their own. We see ourselves in our peers, and they’re okay, right? Our minds block the long-term consequences and buy those bloody shoes anyway.
THE FEAR
What we fear is judgement. And the complexity. And losing control. And ending up even worse off.
The judgement is the tone shared by creditors and by the debt advisors we assume will tell us how we’ve let everyone down. They’ll spend more time pointing out the mistakes we made than sorting out our problem. They won’t understand why we need to spend time with friends, or why we chose the cheapest pub in town to do so.
It’s bound to be difficult, right? Otherwise, we could have sorted it all out without any help. All I know is there are bags and bags of unopened post. I’ve lost track of who and what I owe. And, no, I don’t have the original agreement. If I don’t understand what’s going on, how can I agree to it?
The idea of losing control is a paradox. Debt causes paralysis. We lost control long ago. We are wrapped in a seemingly unwinnable situation. And yet, the idea of handing ourselves over to an expert who might just set us free, is a question of self-determination. It’s a legal thing, and that’s serious, and now I have to sign away my wiggle room.
Do we feel financially better off when we clear a debt? There was no money to pay them off before, and we will still have no money once they’re cleared. Maybe we’re tied into a payment plan, top slicing an income even more than it was before.
THE CHALLENGE
These are the preconceptions. They are the challenges to overcome before someone will even consider the possibility of accepting debt help.
I said there that people cannot imagine feeling ‘financially better off’. Even further from their minds is just feeling better off in every other way. No more fearing the rattle of the letterbox. No more missing out on the deals that save us in the long run. A clear mind to think about work or our health for the first time in ages.
In my experience, the sense of letting people down subsided pretty quickly. It was cauterised as soon as the debt was with the banks. Now I just hated myself for letting myself get rinsed for thousands after thousands of pounds.
…
Every day I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had my way out. I’m painfully aware of my privilege. Of being able to sell our place and still afford a bigger home brings something akin to survivor’s guilt. I was a winner in a crooked system, for sure. Now I pay back my debt in different ways – in using this empathy to smooth the way towards freedom from debt for people without an asset to draw on.
Image: Shisuka/Canva